The War Within

When I was a young man I was quite manipulative and devious, I always thought I could just do and have whatever I wanted. I pretty much lived that way, did what I wanted, took what I wanted. I have always tried to be considerate of others feelings, I tried very hard to take other peoples feelings in account. The truth is when you do what you want, regardless of how honest you are about yourself and your intentions, people get hurt, that is reality. So lets just say I was a selfish, self centered, self absorbed kid in a mans body. I was a well armed bull in a china shop, my mind was more powerful then my heart.

When I got married and had children I had to work very hard to change, for the most part the change was for the better. I learned patience, I learned how to compromise, I learned to put myself to the end of the line for everything. It really was amazing, to me a transformation of epic proportions. I lived that way for 20 years, that is a lot of conditioning, practice and reps. When I learn something I master it. I mastered being a good husband, a good father and a good man. My heart had conquered my mind and in resounding fashion.

  Move forward 20 years. I have now been separated/divorced for 3 years. The conditioning I took during marriage has been a problem. I like what I became. The world has no respect for nice guys. My heart has made me a nice guy. I like that. What I don't like is how the world perceives nice people. Being nice and kind is akin to being weak. The sad thing is, in order to function in the world you have to do a lot of "fighting and struggling". The world is a grinder. When I was married I did not particularly feel the struggle because I had a partner to talk to about the things facing us. I am single again and on occasion I find my mind over-riding my heart. This is a problem.

 I don't know how others perceive or know themselves, I know how I am. My heart is the good, my mind is the evil. I really want to be a good person. In order to function in the world you have to be willing to release the "war machine", for me that is my brain. Right now my heart is still anchoring things, but my mind is beginning to bear down, hard. My mind hammers logic, repetition and patterns, it is critical of much and merciless. Hence my desire to have my heart win this war. Slash and burn is not a good social skill, that is my minds way.

  What I see happening is my approach to people changing. I am going into "single" mode, now I have to battle Mr Hyde, he wants out, he wants and loves to pillage and plunder. Not good. When the good inside of me becomes confused it turns to the Father for communion, that leaves the mind free to takeover and Hyde gets to play. I joke with people about recusing myself from society, but I am not the "hermit" type, I am a social creature, if I begin becoming more "Hyde" then "Jeckyll" I really may have to recuse myself. I really don't want to hurt people. Sadly for whatever reason I was born with war in my mind, but I have found peace with the Father. Now the war is on. I have been willing to war with others in the past, even wars of attrition because I feel there is more of me then them, I am willing to go toe to toe blow to blow. But how do I wage a war within myself? This is a war of attrition, it matters who is left standing at the end.
 

  When I was young "good and evil" were not really on my radar. Now I have to condition myself to be balanced, which is difficult. The evil within is strong and clever, the good is stronger and genius, but a war of attrition none the less. I know the good within me will ultimately win, it is just those moments where the evil within gets its window of opportunity to run things that trouble me. Hyde is a jackass. Good vs evil, the war within.